The windows of heaven

Some amazing events in the past week have blessed our lives.

Undoubtedly the best day last week was Friday. It all started at university...

We were conducting a seminar class on clinical addiction when a student made the claim that lapse and relapse in addiction were due to motivational issues and nothing more. An addict who relapses isn't committed according to this student. A vociferous debate raged and I made the comment that I have an addiction - to the TV. It may seem innocuous enough, but I feel it's causing dysfunction in my life and am powerless to stop it despite my significant motivation and commitment to doing better.

Next thing the teacher pulled me out to the front of the class and did a Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT) session on me. And it proved that the student had been inaccurate in her assessment. However, the great news was it provided me with answers! I have two new strategies for overcoming my night time TV addiction. Firstly, I set the timer on the TV to switch off at the appropriate time. Secondly, I place the remote on the far side of the room so when the TV finishes I cannot turn it back on, or flick channels to see what I'm missing.

It worked a treat on Friday! I saw the Newcastle Knights win in the Rugby League, the TV said "Goodnight" and I went to bed on time! Terrific!

The second wonderful thing that happened on Friday was in relation to a planning tool. Now that I'm running training sessions in Frontline Management (Cert IV) I have to carry a diary. Two methods I've worked on this year have not been suitable so I finally bit the bullet and ordered a Franklin Planner. But it was $160, which is a LOT of money for a diary. The thing is, things weren't working with what I had, and I know it's worked well for me previously so I had to give it a go.

Their office is only 1km away from our home so I told them I'd pick it up rather than wait a week for it to arrive in the post. When Kylie went to get it they weren't ready for her, so they gave her someone else's order. It was the same one, but with the fancy binder. I'd ordered the cheapest one, but they told Kylie they were upgrading me for free because they weren't ready for us! I got the $240 planner for $160! And I LOVE IT! I've been more organised in the last 3 days than in the last 3 weeks. It really works for me.

Finally, when I arrived home on Friday night there was an unopened envelope for me from the university. When I opened it and began to read I literally jumped off the couch with delight. I won a scholarship for the year! It's only a small one, based on financial circumstances, but wow - will it make a difference for our family! So wonderful.

We've also been blessed in other ways too.

It looks like I'll be teaching at radio school again this year, and may even get more work than previous years. That will help immeasurably as we save for a car.

And my new job is working out wonderfully, so I hope to leave the QLD govt. job at TAFE in less than four weeks. Still just waiting on a little bit extra to filter through in terms of my trainees.

I taught in church on Sunday. My topic was one that I was really excited about, "The Faith to Move Mountains." It didn't go too well, and I learned a valuable lesson. I had lots of things I wanted to teach, and I taught them. But I'm not sure that what I taught was what Heaven wanted me to share. And I failed to ask. The lesson was devoid of the inspiration that I had hoped would be there because I tried to do it on my own. From now on, when I teach or speak, I will remember to ask what the people need most to hear, not what I want most to say.

Tonight we had a really nice family home evening. Kylie and I felt as though our family needs some more structure/ rules or something like that. But we couldn't put our finger on it. I suggested to Kylie that setting up rules was helpful, however, there may be a better idea to try. We taught the children about principles, and worked as a family to identify three principles to focus on for the week.

1. Kindness. This means it's important to be nice, not yell or get cross, and love one another.
2. Respect. We listen to others. We also look after our things, and our home.
3. Service. We help each other.

Chanel and Abbie worked really well with us and determined what each principle meant. They really like the idea of living by principles rather than rules. It feels good to me too.

OK - the latest on the kids and Kylie...

Kylie: Still feeling really tired. This pregnancy hasn't been treating us nearly as well as previous ones. It's been a real challenge. But Kylie is working as hard as she can, and I'm so grateful for her.

Chanel: This is one high achieving, talented girl. I'm not one to boast, so I'll be as understated as possible. Chanel is swimming so well. Her level of progress is stunning. She also played her first netball game on Saturday. Her teacher couldn't believe how good she was, and said she's a "demon" on the netball court. Excelling, as always, at school, and so gorgeous. We're so grateful for that beautiful little girl.

Abbie: Probably the happiest child you'll ever meet. In the middle of anything at all Abbie calls out, "I love you mum" or "I love you dad". She's so sweet. Her smile and soft heart melt everyone who is near her. Abbie walks around the house singing and quoting poetry all day.

Ella: Finally starting to speak, but still not keen on sleeping. Ella makes my day when she says, "Wud you dad". She has a sparkle in her eye, and oodles of energy, and she tries us to our very end and beyond. But she's growing up fast too.

Our lives are still a long way from the ideals we're striving for, but we have so much to be grateful for. Blessings continue to pour over us, the windows of heaven are open, and we live wonderful lives.

It's started!

Wow!

Week one of university has just run out, and I don't think I've experienced intensity like it. By the end of week two I will have:

• Completed a statistics exam (review, but still contributing to overall outcomes)
• Written a 2000 word essay on the better-than-average effect, a cognitive illusion that, it is argued, most of us possess. It makes us think we're better than we really are. (I actually finished it at 11.50pm last night, having read over 20 empirical articles for it in the past 5 days)
• Written a 1500 word rationale for my thesis supervisor outlining the foundations for my thesis research question to determine whether it is substantive enough to warrant investigation
• Prepared and presented a 20 minute talk related to addiction, specifically the underpinning mechanisms of craving and desire that produce motivation to engage in something an individual is aware of as being harmful, yet their addiction sees them involve themselves anyway.

Needless to say, I've been spending a lot of time in front of the computer but at this point I've only taken care of the first couple. Honours year is INTENSE! I'm anticipating that if I keep working at this pace the intensity will dissipate though. I'm trying to get work done early in the semester so that I can focus more intently on my thesis.

I still have made some observations about family and life this week though, so I'm fortunate to have the capacity to enjoy some time with them.

Chanel and Ella have both been unwell. It's amazing how quiet life gets when they stay in bed all day. Wonderful! But we miss their energy and enthusiasm, so fortunately it hasn't been for more than a day.

We've discovered that Ella loves to sing! She still doesn't speak clearly so understanding what she's saying is beyond impossible, but if we sing a song she belts it out with us and smiles the whole time. We also have a little yellow laughing toy that giggles when pushed. Ella loves to push it and giggle with it. It's beautiful to watch.

For over 6 months now we've struggled with putting Ella to bed. She fights every night and makes it awful for us. It has resulted in Kylie and I making poor decisions in our handling of Ella, borne out of frustration and tiredness. Many nights she's still awake at 9pm, while her sisters willingly and easily sleep at 7pm.

This week I had an answer to prayer. After a particularly frustrating night I again prayed for help. Nothing. But the next morning as I prayed I felt inspired to change my prayer. Instead of asking what I had to do to change Ella and her behaviour, I prayed that my heart would be changed, and that I would change my behaviour. As I continued to pray I felt that Ella doesn't like to be controlled in certain aspects of her life and sleep is one of them. I also recognised that irrespective of what we did to attempt to persuade or cajole Ella into sleeping, she rarely went to bed before 8.30. Lastly, I acknowledged that the most difficult days of all were the ones where Ella has had a sleep at kindy or home.

Kylie and I spoke, and I also emailed Wally, a psychologist friend in the USA. I felt strongly that we should simply let Ella decide when to go to bed. (This had been suggested previously and we tried it, but I got frustrated and fearful that she would never go to sleep when she was still up after 9pm!). For the past 4 or 5 nights Ella has been deciding. That means I'm not allowed to get stressed out. Interestingly, she's chosen to go to sleep alone by around 8.30pm each night. It's still too late for my liking, but night's are now peaceful and Ella is happy. I feel good about relinquishing control and letting Ella take responsibility. And she's making good decisions.

Poor Kylie. She's still feeling quite poorly with the pregnancy. And even though it's Autumn, it's hot. Kylie isn't "sick" as much as she's feeling weak, tired, and uncomfortable. It seems that this is going to be a long pregnancy!

And lastly, tonight I'm going to be giving my first radio appearance as a parenting expert. A few weeks ago there was a newspaper article describing political action aimed at making smacking children illegal. I'll be discussing the detrimental effects of smacking children (or anyone). It should be lots of fun and I'm looking very much forward to it.

Update 27/2/07

Life is getting busier for us.

I have recommenced university, this time in my honours year (4th year), my final year before commencing post-graduate work. Lots of pressure, lots of work, and high expectations. But I feel excited. Today I sit through my first 4th year statistics class. I can't say I anticipate that with any enthusiasm, but it's a necessary part of the course, and it must be done!

We had a funny experience with Chanel a few days ago! She was at her swimming squad and was playing up a little bit. The trainer became a little frustrated and threatened her, "Chanel, if you don't do what you should be doing I'm going to make you swim 100m butterfly without flippers"!

Chanel grinned from ear to ear and called back, "Okay" and took off swimming butterfly! It's a long way for a 7 year-old but she did it, and was thrilled to be able to do it. The coach may consider swimming hard and alone to be a threat, but Chanel loves swimming. She will do anything to get a chance to dive into the water and give it everything she's got.

As I tucked Chanel in while she slept I noticed that she sleeps with a smile on her face. It's wonderful to say goodnight and know she's sleeping happy. Chanel is a gift and blessing in our home. I'm trying so hard to enjoy Chanel. At the age of 7 she clearly has some time to go in childhood, but in many ways, she's at the half-way mark. It's slipping away so blatantly and I feel helpless watching her grow, knowing I can't stop her growing and getting older. She is such a little angel, and Kylie and I don't want her to keep getting older because that means she's getting closer to being a big person and moving on with her life.

Abbie is still so little! She's nearly 4 and a half, and is the real character in our family. Abbie has more humour in her bones than the rest of the family combined. She walks around the house singing silly little songs she's learned at kindy, almost oblivious to the world.

A few days ago she had a play date with her little friend, Elissa Thayer. They played so naturally, so happily. That is their "work". That's the work of childhood, to play, be friends, and have fun. And I believe Abbie has mastered it.

And Ella, our baby. Ella was 3 last month, and boy, does she keep us busy. It seems that in the last week or so she is finally beginning to understand that we use the toilet 100% of the time, and not just 50% of the time. The other 50% she had been using the lounge room floor, our doona, her pants, the car and so on. But it's finally falling into place (pardon the pun). We hope it continues.

I went to kindy to pick Ella up last week. As I entered the playground I saw her at the far end. As her eyes met mine she yelled "Daddy" and raced to me with outstretched arms. She was nearly as excited to see me as I was to see her. It felt good. No, it felt wonderful. Ella is a joy. She tries us immensely, especially around bed time, but she is such a delight, and offers warmth, affection and eagerness to our home.


And Kylie, at 13 weeks pregnant, is still feeling pretty average. Most of the sickness is gone, but she still feels weak. The QLD heat isn't helping. But despite her weakness, her attitude is positive, and we love each other like crazy! We can't help thinking that our 4th child will be our last. It sounds so definite to say that, but between the needed emotional capacity to deal with the children, and the physical demands it's been placing on Kylie, we're not sure we could continue through more kids. Anyway, we'll get through number 4 first and enjoy that experience as best we can before we get too carried away with any more promises.

All in all, our family is blessed and each person contributes great happiness and joy to our home. And things are busy!

Reality checks and more miracles

What a week it's been!

I've had most of the week off as I "holiday" between summer semester and semester one, and as such, have had a little more down time than usual (although not much). This has meant I've been able to do a lot of reading.

Throughout this week, however, a few reality checks have come my way. On Friday afternoon Kylie and I went to the ultrasound clinic to see how our new baby is going. For the first time we saw our baby. For some time I've been excited to tell people that we're having a baby. Seeing the pictures made it really sink in though. We've got a living, growing human developing there. It's about 15cms long at the moment. And I'm going on the record as saying that I think it's a girl. By the way, our due date is August 29th.

I also had a reality check of a different sort that same day. Ella has been challenging Kylie and I in so many ways, and she showed us the worst of herself in the car. Unfortunately her dad wasn't much better. Despite the difficulty of the situation, it really showed how easy it is to make mistakes, and gave me opportunities to repent and restore relationships. It was a really important wake up call. Two in one day! Blessings.

Speaking of blessings, some weeks ago my wallet was lost. We were quite certain it was gone forever. It had several hundred dollars in it as well as everything else you would expect to have in it. We prayed, we searched, we backtracked, and we prayed some more. After a week of this we gave up. But two days ago as Kylie cleaned under the bed, she lifted out my wallet, full of everything it should have contained. It was such a blessing for us to have that!

Another blessing: I've received my confirmation that I'm accepted into honours year at uni. And the best news is that I've been allocated my first choice supervisor. Of all the faculty, she is the only one who was familiar with the work of Carol Dweck and the ideas surrounding mastery orientation as it applies to children and their responses to extrinsic motivational contingencies. So on Friday, to receive that letter was a great blessing.

Finally, last night was our stake swimming carnival. It was held at the Manly pool, which was quite a disappointment. Only one pool for the whole stake, and very little for the children, although there were some activities in one corner of the facility. Anyway, the kids wanted to swim a lot more than they got to, but perhaps next years will be at a better venue. I got to swim a couple of times, and really enjoyed it. I had a few close races and clearly suffered for lack of condition. But it felt so good to be back in the water. I love swimming, and it felt good to go for it. Although, I think I'm paying for it a little bit this morning.

Our lives are filled with miracles, and wonderful times as a family. And we're gearing up for a huge year! We're standing on the blocks and the whistle blows in about 5 days.

The Curse of the Self

In the past week I've completed a book entitled The Curse of the Self by psychologist Mark Leary.

The book is a challenging insight into why we have ego identity and whether being 'self-aware' is actually good for us. It questions the wisdom of the self-esteem movement, particularly querying whether we need self-esteem, and pointing out many of the issues we face in our lives as a result of possessing it.

All in all, a very challenging book. It is written for a lay audience (psychologically speaking), yet I still found it heavily academic. The subject matter can be tough to wade through at times, and superbly written and incredibly interesting at other times.

I really enjoyed the book overall and learned a lot. Most of what it teaches is philosophical in nature, although there are four very practically oriented keys at the end that describe how we can quiet our 'self' to lead a more balanced and objective life.

The Mormon Way of Doing Business

Now I know that with a title for a post like that any number of funny lines may come out. But I've just completed a book with that title about 8 multi-millionaires in the USA who all happen to be LDS. The book is a fascinating insight into what sets them apart from their contemporaries.

They don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or have tea or coffee. They refuse to work Sunday's (and rarely even Saturday's). They are fiercely loyal to their wives. And they have become successful by every standard we might measure them by.

It's a nice easy read that provides inspiration, insight, and fortification of faith. It makes anyone who reads it want to be a better spouse and parent. And it made me want to live what I believe more than ever.

You don't have to be religious or be in business to enjoy this book. It's more of a summary of how a group of extraordinarily successful leaders got there, and what they attribute it to. There's a brilliant chapter on family, and the climax that discusses the way they dealt with the Sept. 11 challenges is quite mindboggling.

Well worth a read. You'll get it from any bookstore on order for around $40 in hardback.

It's official!!!

We've been waiting for some time to tell you, but now we can.

WE"RE HAVING A BABY!!!

Kylie is about 13 weeks pregnant and we're expecting a son or daughter to be added to our family in late August 2007.

Everything is going well with the pregnancy. Kylie has been feeling very sick for a few weeks now and so we're hopeful that she's going to be coming out of the illness phase very soon.

So, it's time for a new car! We've started saving and I've been blessed with a new job that is likely to assist us greatly in acquiring one. Again we see tender mercies and divinely orchestrated timing. This new job allows more flexibility than I've had, and pays well so we can continue to pay for our home and save for a car while I'm finishing university.

We feel so blessed. Baby number 4! We're still working on names, although Kylie assures me if it's a girl her name will be Emilie. If it's a boy we're thinking of Christopher William (after his grandfathers) or Braden James (because we like it).

I'll post some ultrasound pic's soon.