Back into Routine

(Abbie May, age 7, wet, cold, and happy! At Kesh's 23rd Birthday Party, Booker Bay. July 2010).

Monday presented our first significant challenge of the week. After my decision to “fire” our plumber in the days prior, he showed up at our home. He had not heard my message, left on his phone in fury after we discovered our shower leaking behind our new walls, into our floor and onto our lower level ceiling. Kylie subsequently spoke with him at length and “re-employed” him to complete our work. He agreed to come back 8 days later to finalise things. When I found out that Kylie had done this I was angry. But Kylie did not like leaving things the way they were and I accepted that. I called him to explain that our family needed a bathroom that worked much sooner than the eight days he wanted us to wait. He asked me to call him back. Two hours later I did so. He and I engaged in a lengthy conversation which ended with me inviting him to decide if he wished to work for us anymore or not. He chose not to return. This saga ended with Kylie and I feeling drained. I actually felt “dirty”. The conversation was an unhappy one. I do not like it when relationships end so badly.

We had many misunderstandings over the work he was to do and the money he was to be paid. The misunderstandings went both ways, but he consistently chose not to communicate with us. My communications and expectations offended him. I was left with a quote in my mind from Irving Becker. A good friend, WG, loves to share this quote about the difficulty of being human: “If you don’t like someone, the way he holds his spoon will make you furious. If you do like him, he can turn his plate over in your lap and you won’t mind.” Our plumber seems to have been holding his spoon the wrong way, and he seems not to have liked the way we held our spoons either.

Tuesday saw us arise gloomy. We barely slept because of the conflict of the previous night. However, our new plumber visited. He confirmed to us that our fears concerning our old plumber were justified. This was disappointing, but also gave us hope that we could move forward and finalise this difficult renovation. That day I went to work and commenced data collection at a local swimming pool where parents sit with nothing to do while their children swim. In one week I’ve collected data from nearly 150 parents. This is a worthwhile use of my time – if only my data will work out!

Tuesday morning was also the resumption of school for the children. Kylie and I have worked hard to create a new routine and schedule. We implemented it with precision all week and are delighted with how well it is working. The children are out the door every morning by 8.30am. We’ve had scripture study as a family, the children have practiced the piano, we’ve all eaten, and the house is relatively tidy. In the evenings we’ve eaten by 6.30 and the children are in bed by 7.30. It feels great. (If I hadn’t stayed up to watch the Tour de France it would feel even better!)

On Tuesday Kylie received some sad news from her mum. Kylie’s grandfather (in NZ) is particularly unwell. Kylie asked the children to write him a letter. They’ve never met him and were a little bit apprehensive. Their letters were finally written and were heartfelt letters of love, hope, and kindness. After Abbie had written her letter, Kylie found her crying. Abbie explained that she was sad her grandfather was not well, and just wanted to meet him and hug him and tell him that she loved him. We are so deeply grateful for Abbie’s tenderness.

We have adored watching our Lilli Emma grow. Already it seems that she is no longer a little baby. At 3.5 months of age she is big and healthy and happy. There is no other feeling like staring into the face and eyes of such an amazing, perfect little child. Her smile lifts my soul. We are awaiting news on some tests that Lilli is to have. There are some concerns over her development with her vision and sight. We are hopeful that she will be given an “all clear” from the specialists.


(Chanel Lauren, age 10. Wet, cold, and loving it! Kesh's 23rd Birthday Bash at Booker Bay. July 2010).

Annie Grace seems to be finally readjusting to life in our home. After several challenging months we are seeing her return to her previously delightful self. Perhaps it has something to do with our improved routine, the lack of building work going on, and the fact that our home is less “broken” than it has been lately. Annie loves to talk on the phone. When it rings, be prepared to spend time talking to Annie – or should I say, listening to Annie. When Annie holds the phone, she doesn’t place it anywhere near her ear. She puts it in front of her mouth and talks… and talks, and talks! No matter what you say to her, she will not hear. She simply talks. It’s so funny, and she gets so excited. I love hearing her talk to me. Her little voice prattles on, and cracks as she gets excited! She gasps for air in between long sentences. Her enthusiasm and love of life is elevating.

Saturday morning I did something a little crazy. After trying to have a good night’s sleep, I arose a little after 4am, dressed in my bike clothes, and braved the cold and rain as I rode north to Gosford. The trip is approximately 172kms. On my previous attempt I made it to Berowra. I was determined to do better on this trip. I paced myself, ate well, and managed the ride in 6 hours and one minute precisely. My avg speed was 28.6km/h. By the time I was at my final 30kms I was starting to question my sanity, but as I rode the final climb I felt almost euphoric. I had done it!

The family arrived in Gosford around an hour after I did, and we had a delightful time with the entire family as we celebrated Kesh’s birthday. Between Tim and Kesh’s siblings there were about 20 children under the age of 12 there! With all the adults thrown in as well, there was quite a crowd. Kylie and I were enjoying time together, and chatted with everyone before we noticed that there were no children to be seen. Tim and Kesh had walked them down to the beach, about 500 metres away from their unit. I wandered off, wanting to ensure that everything was fine. It was a beautiful day, but despite the sunshine it’s the middle of winter. The air was cold. When I got to the beach I found Tim, Kesh, and 20 children, all as happy as can be. But the children were shivering – and dripping wet! They’d ended up swimming in their clothes!


(Ella Rose, doing what her big sisters did! Age 6)

I was annoyed, but had to laugh about it for two reasons. First, the kids were simply thrilled they’d been swimming, despite the freezing cold water and the chilly day. Second, Tim and Kesh have no children so they thought letting the kids play in the water was fun. But I knew that if I was a little annoyed, there would be some very upset parents back at the house. Sure enough… Tim and Kesh copped it from those who had long drives ahead of them. No one had spare clothes, and no one wanted wet, sandy children in their cars. In spite of it all, the children had fun, and Tim and Kesh did their best. I think I must be calming down as I get older, because within just a few moments I could see the funny side of it all. Plus, while the kids were cold, they were happy.

We stayed overnight Saturday at mum and dad’s place and went to church in Gosford. Church was uplifting. It’s been some time since I’ve really been able to say that with conviction. Often it’s a drain. The children, the responsibilities, and the lack of inspiring material leave me feeling worn out more than uplifted on many a week. But this Sunday was different. Talks were meaningful and well-prepared. Even though they were not particularly relevant to me, I enjoyed them. And the music was uplifting. As we sang ‘Secret Prayer’ to close the meeting, the chorus was sung loudly, with purpose. It filled me.



I had an inspiring catch-up with Mat Steinwede. I appreciated his effort in spending time with me and sharing ideas about projects I’d almost given up on. And we had a traditional Sunday roast with mum. The kids played with their cousins all afternoon too. Our girls love their cousins, and they play surprisingly well.
We left the Central Coast tired, but feeling great. We have a plan and it’s working. Our children are healthy and happy. We feel blessed.

Making Tough Calls

Sunday July 18th, 2010

The past fortnight has been littered with highs and lows. I have felt myself stretched in so many different ways. I wish that I had responded to all of the challenges perfectly. Alas, I am susceptible to make mistakes similar to most mortals, and I have demonstrated my humanity for better or worse on each occasion.

Our washing machine failed us (again) after several years of service. We purchased a new and expensive European branded machine. We like our machine, but in hindsight we rushed our purchase and its purchase has led to unforseen challenges in other areas. In spite of this, we have survived for now. We also made an arguable poor decision in finalising our tapware purchases for the children’s bathroom. Taps are expensive! We chose to spend money on taps that were not in our budget. We have learned some valuable budgeting lessons.

Kylie took the children away to QLD for ten days to commence the school holidays. They had a wonderful time with family and friends. Chanel and Ella had time with the Holzworths, while Kylie and the other children were kept busy with relatives and other friends. They had a wonderful time.

While the family were in QLD I turned my attention to data that required analysing. The data don’t work. This is devastating for me. In my despair I attempted to contact my supervisor for guidance. He was not available, nor has he been for over six months. I emailed him and shared my feelings about his lack of involvement in my work. My email was direct and clear – his supervision in the past 6-12 months has been inadequate. His response surprised me. We met the following day and he apologised, recommitting to my project. It was hard to send that email, but I sense that it was certainly the right thing to do.

I received some positive news in relation to my PhD. I have had a theoretical paper accepted for publication. I will be published in the Journal of Humanistic Psychology. My paper describes the findings from an investigation into “Calling” in the Childrearing role. This is a major success for me. Peer reviewed publications have been a challenge for me and it feels terrific to see this working out.

I flew into Brisbane on Sunday night, met Kylie and the family at the airport, and drove south. We drove through the night, arriving at Coffs Harbour around 2am. The children were asleep soon after we began our drive, and Kylie and I had the opportunity to talk. We spoke the whole way, perhaps for more time (uninterrupted) than we’ve spoken in half-a-dozen years. Our time apart had given us both the opportunity to consider our progress in various aspects of our lives. We recommitted to improvement, and set specific plans to achieve more of what our family will benefit most from.

After not enough sleep in Coffs Harbour we drove to Gosford to visit my family. Mum put on an impromptu roast dinner and invited the entire family. We had expected to pop in and out quickly! It was really nice to have everyone show up to see us though. We appreciate our family and the effort they are willing to go to in order to spend time with us. After delicious food we drove through to Wollongong. It was nice to have my family home again. I missed them while they were away.

During the past week we have tried hard to complete the renovation. Our tiler has all but finished his work now and our wet areas should be complete. However, our plumber has not completed his work. In spite of this, he expected to be paid. My suggestion that he complete his work before being paid led to an unwelcome conflict. He left – empty-handed – and has refused to answer our calls since. This morning we discovered yet another leak. The leak has already caused us problems. He had “fixed it” previously. The leak is in our new walls. To fix it requires us to knock holes in our walls. It leaks down through our new ceilings. I called him. He did not answer. I left him a message. He is not welcome in our home again, and he will not be paid. This was a difficult and uncomfortable thing to do. I prefer relationships to remain pleasant. However, a new plumber will have to be employed to fix his many mistakes. We will also require other tradespeople to repair the damage that will be caused to our home as we attempt to right his many wrongs. We anticipate that the costs required to repair his mess will far outweigh what we owed him. However we will not pursue him. We would rather move ahead than dwell on past pains. Lesson learned – if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck. He made many mistakes early on and we could have fired him then. We should have.

So after several ups and downs, and some tough decisions, we find ourselves enjoying a wonderful afternoon in our partly renovated, leaky house. We ate pancakes for lunch. We had a family home evening and spent time with the children talking about our plans for the future. They are excited and seem anxious to make things work well in our family. Annie and Lilli are sleeping. Kylie and the children are making home-made cards for friends. I am reflecting on the past few weeks and am thinking that, despite the many issues we face, life is remarkably good. We look forward to the future with optimism and hope, confident that we can make great changes that will improve life even more.

Relaxed

Sunday June 27th, 2010

It’s been a full two months since I last wrote. As much as we’ve been immensely busy, I’ll try to keep the update to a reasonable length and focus only on main points.

Firstly, the renovation. In the past 10 weeks we have removed a staircase, two kitchens, three bathrooms, multiple windows, brick walls, and interior walls. We’ve converted a bedroom into a bathroom and a bathroom into a bedroom. We’ve removed a laundry and created a new one, put in a new doorway (or two), removed a front doorway, built a new kitchen and bathroom, and who knows what else! In total we’ve spent tens and tens of thousands of dollars. We’ve had ups and downs, tradesmen who can’t do things right, tradesmen who don’t show up when they should, and more costly decisions to make than anyone would typically make in a year – perhaps even a decade.

We’ve been forced to move out of our home for a little over a week because of a lack of water, electricity, and other facilities. We’ve stressed, sweated, and even bled (I cut my finger and got a few splinters) through this renovation. For all of the effort though, things are finally almost at a point that we can resume a sense of normality. Our kitchen was completed last week, as well as our laundry. Our en-suite was completed a couple of weeks ago. And if our tradespeople show up we should finally complete our other bathroom by the end of this week. From this point we only have cosmetic changes to make. We’ll commence them once we save some more money.

Despite the relative incompletion, we’re far enough along now to be thrilled with what we’ve done and also to be able to really enjoy living in what has become an entirely new home!

It would be ungrateful of me if I failed to mention the amazing help we’ve had throughout the renovation. So many members of the church have cooked meals for us and helped out in other ways. We’ve been given a home to live in for a week when friends went away. This meant we could get out of our unliveable house while friends holidayed. It was wonderful. In my last update I mentioned the help Kylie’s family had given, particularly her sister and mum. My folks have also been wonderfully helpful. And a family friend, an electrician, has donated countless days and expertise at no charge to completely rewire our home. I’m sure there are more people who have been involved in blessing us. We have been looked after so well, it’s humbling.

In terms of family, our precious Lilli Emma is growing perfectly. She is happy, healthy, and a big fatty! She loves sleeping and feeding. She does everything a 10 week-old baby should do and is a dream to look after. Her night time sleeps range from six to nine hours and we have not been sleep deprived at all due to Lilli. She is really laughing a lot now and making huge amounts of eye contact. Her smile delights us, and we hang on every moment we get to spend watching her in the hope she’ll give us another one.

Annie has struggled significantly through the past few months. The changes have been enormous for our precious two year-old. As the renovation progressed Annie became distressed that her house was “broken”. She wanted the stairs back, and the walls, and doors, and bathrooms and so on. It has taken until this week for her to finally seem satisfied that the house is being put back together nicely. For our angel Annie, the renovation has been coupled with a new little sister. This has caused some difficulty for Annie too as she’s come to understand that she’s no longer the baby in the family. We’ve seen her throwing a lot of tantrums. We’ve dealt with her becoming quite free with her fists and feet too, kicking and punching her sisters and even Kylie and I. Again, this is slowing down as she comes to terms with the huge changes, so we’re patient with her, knowing that she’ll work through things soon enough. Annie is still delightfully cute and keeps us staring in wonder at the amazing little girl she is.

The changes at home have had minimal effect on the three older girls. Ella is progressing remarkably well in her first year of school. She grasps all of the required concepts well, is reading far more proficiently than we had expected, and seems to be thriving. In fact, Ella has gone from being unable to recognise any words to participating in scripture study quite competently in just two months. She loves to shout out all the words she recognises as we drive, and when she doesn’t recognise a word Ella reads the letters and asks what they all spell! As has always been the case Ella is not doing so well socially, but again she’s above our expectations and seems to be doing reasonably well. She certainly could do a lot worse.

Abbie has been her usual quiet seven year-old self. While there is little to report regarding Abbie, she has continued to do well at piano and school.
Chanel, as the eldest, always seems to have lots of things going on. Her school experience seems constantly positive. Her piano progress has been amazing, and her passion for it is gratifying. I love the fact that Chanel cannot walk past the piano without playing a few bars of whatever song she is learning. It drives me crazy because of the constant noise and because she’s stalling on what she should otherwise be doing. But she just wants to play – all the time! Chanel loves it and is doing well.

Last Saturday night we had our Illawarra Cycle Club presentation night. We were concerned about taking the family because of our previous experience with functions. All too often people have carried on with behaviour we’ve felt was inappropriate and we’ve taken our children and left. We decided to give this one a go, and it was a real treat! It was a wonderful night. Chanel came home with four huge trophies! Motivation for cycling has been ebbing recently, partly because of the cold, and partly because riding a bike is actually pretty hard work. Now, with a fresh reminder of success Chanel is extremely motivated and itching to ride whenever she can!

Kylie is doing a remarkable job at holding our family together through the chaos. She looks after Lilli as well as the rest of us, maintains our home, and has still managed to cook meals even when we didn’t have a kitchen. I am amazed at the way she is able to keep us functioning in spite of our circumstances. Kylie has been itching to have some time to enjoy things herself too and it has been great to be able to watch her have a bike ride in the past week as well as attending a few functions and parties with friends.

For me, I’m making steady progress on my PhD. My teaching commitments are concluded, as is the marking I’ve done. I really hate marking. It’s the most painful thing I have to do. In the next couple of weeks I’ll be attempting to determine the degree of reliability a survey I’ve developed possesses. My entire PhD really hinges on getting this right. So it is an understatement to say that I’m a little nervous about what the next couple of weeks might bring. I start collecting data on Tuesday.
And that’s really about all. It’s been a huge couple of months. But today, with most of the work completed, I’m feeling relaxed. We feel blessed.

Oh, nearly forgot to mention... on occasion Kylie and I have shared a kiss together. Sometimes it has been in the car, or the kitchen. When we kiss, if there is a little pair of eyes looking at us we inevitably hear a sing-song chorus of little girls singing “Kissy, kissy, kissy! Kissy, kissy, kissy!” over and over again. We love each so much, and we love to be affectionate. We aren’t exhibitionists, but we love that our children can see our love for one another. And we love that they think it’s wonderful! I’m sure the response will be different in a few more years...

Wonderful to me

This week has really been a blur. A little bit of schoolwork and teaching has been mixed in with a whole lot of renovating and trying to be useful around the house. My usefulness around the house has been pretty minimal though, with Kylie’s mum saving the day for us. We could simply not have gotten through the week without her. The amount of cleaning, washing, ironing, and helping get the children organised that she has done is amazing. She leaves our home tonight for Brisbane again, and I can’t help but think that she may well sleep for a week before she recovers from what has been a really challenging week!

Aside from the wonderful feeling of bringing Kylie and Lilli home from the hospital on Monday, there’s really very little of any importance to share from the weekdays. They simply raced by. However, Saturday and Sunday were particularly meaningful in my life.


Ella, age 6.

The Sweetest Thing

This week I've got a brief travelogue followed by some of our realy joys...

Easter Monday was a big day for Abbie May. We went on a daddy-daughter date and Abbie rode her bike several kilometres! We left one training wheel on the bike, but I sense that Abbie will be riding without it in the coming weeks. We met the family on the Wollongong harbour and delighted in an incredible morning. After lunch I began demolishing walls in the house.

Changing the Way Things Work

In recent weeks I’ve become increasingly negative, and even frustrated. I’ve blamed it on any number of things – including overwork, tiredness, too many children, a pregnant wife – but never myself. Over the weekend last week I was honest with myself and acknowledged that perhaps my growing dissatisfaction is related to my inability to get things done with my PhD. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to do it. I’ve just gotten bored with it. My procrastination efforts have been refined and improved, while my study habits have become diminished and broken. The flow-on effect into the rest of my life has been readily apparent to family, friends, and my Internet Service Provider (which measures that my Internet usage – read procrastination – has increased significantly).

It’s amazing what a fresh view of things will do.

In the Blink of an Eye

After realising that I was in over my head the changes I’ve made are feeling very good. Dropping out of unnecessary classes has made the biggest difference. Now my only focus in my PhD and regular teaching commitments and I’m feeling much more in control of things at school. My week was not particularly productive but I think that may have been a result of being a little burnt out. I anticipate that this coming week will be exceptionally productive.

We’ve received more quotes for our home renovation. It appears that we have exactly half the money needed to make all the hoped for changes. The full cost of the renovation will be somewhere in the order of $80-$90 000 and we’re about halfway to that amount. So we’re looking for ways to change our plans, buy materials cheap, do some work ourselves, and otherwise save a whole lot of money. Once the home is complete, we’ll sell, maximise our profit, and hopefully find another home in which we can do it all again!

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday passed in a blur this week. Nothing out of the ordinary occurred, with me at uni being sadly unproductive, the children going to school, and Kylie doing her things at home.

Wednesday afternoon I flew to the Gold Coast for a conference in commercialisation of research. The idea was that PhD students were being recruited for the commercial potential of their research. We were given a two day conference aimed at teaching us how we might commercialise what we do, but also “who” we might use to aid in the process. Obviously the organisation who paid our expenses was hoping that they might gain our attention. I sense that there are both advantages and disadvantages to their proposals, but will spend some time exploring options in the coming months.

Thursday I spent the day in conference. The food was enjoyable, the content of the presentations was dull but relevant enough to me to keep my attention (barely). Unfortunately both Wednesday and Thursday nights I was unable to sleep in the hotel and by Friday morning I had a migraine so bad that I couldn’t even hold food. It seemed to rack my entire body. I attempted to attend the conference but could barely sit up the pain was so great. I checked back into my room for another couple of hours, prayed that sleep would come, and then I rested. Slumber arrived and around fifty minutes later housekeeping woke me. It was enough. I got through the remainder of the day and slowly regained my strength.

Arriving home on Friday at 10pm I caught up on family news. Abbie is excelling with her piano lessons, and progressing quickly. Ella seemed to have a 48-hour growth spurt and appeared at least two inches taller than she was when I left! And Chanel had a stellar night at the velodrome, winning a $10 cash prize for her racing, and also a pair of clear sunglasses for riding at night! She was delighted.

Saturday was a day full of happy moments. I chose not to ride, preferring to rest and spend time with the family after my time away. Kylie and I slept in a little and cuddled with each of the children as they staggered into our room to greet me after my trip. We wrestled, giggled, cuddled some more, and felt joy together. We played in the pool for a couple of hours, and also scrubbed the bottom of it. I discovered I can stay on the bottom of the pool much longer when Kylie stands on my back! So I made my way around the pool with Kylie holding me down until I couldn’t stand it any longer.

We came inside, showered, and raced off to Sydney, leaving the children with a babysitter. With two hours to get into the city, we were confident we could make it. However, traffic slowed us to around 1km every 10 minutes and it looked as though we’d be late. Prayers were offered. Traffic thinned. And miraculously we found a parking space only two blocks from the Capitol Theatre, right in the heart of the city. What’s more, it was on the street and not in a parking station, so the price was only a touch under $7 for over 3 hours! Unheard of in the centre of town where we would expect to pay closer to $25.

Kylie hobbled beside me as we raced to the theatre. We arrived as the doors were closing – literally! We were ushered to our seats, the lights dimmed, and WICKED began. Wicked is the “previously untold” story of the Wicked Witch of the East and the Wicked With of the West, two witches killed in the Wizard of Oz. The tale was intriguing, the set was spectacular, the music was magnificent, and the plot was powerful. For three hours we were immersed in the play, completely enthralled with a superbly crafted story. I give the play an “A” and recommend it highly. I can’t guarantee that everyone will like it, but I can say that Kylie and I thought it was well worth it, and we’d go and see it again tomorrow if we could (and we’d take the children to see it too).

We concluded our twelfth wedding anniversary by eating Thai food as we put the children to bed. Our twelve years is more than one-third of our lives! We’ve been married 12 years, yet it feels such a short while. We enjoyed reflecting on the various parts of our wedding day. As we tickled the children in bed we reminisced that 12 years earlier we were driving to the temple at that time of the morning. As we drove to Sydney we commented that 12 years earlier we were eating lunch in the Holiday Inn Crowne Plaza at Terrigal. I rang my two best men, Steven Travis and Brenden Wood, to remind them that on that day 12 years ago they’d been part of history – the history of Kylie and Justin. We feel so blessed to have such a wonderful marriage and family. And 12 years really has gone in the blink of an eye. It barely feels like three or four years!

Today we arose having had two wonderful nights of sleep. I felt good. We were at church early and were fortunate to hear three well-prepared talks about having moral courage – the courage to stand for what is right, even when we’re in a minority. It was a powerful meeting, even if Annie couldn’t manage the final twenty minutes and had to be taken for a walk. I taught the Young Men about prayer. It feels so great to talk about something that has made such a difference in my life. This afternoon we sweltered in the remnants of summer, stalking their way through our early autumn, and played with the children. Now we’re prepared for a brand new week, and counting down the final 28 days until our baby joins our family! We have so much to be grateful for.