The Best Night in Forty Years

My week started as drearily as most weeks nowadays. I find my work ‘not that bad’ but not that good either. I think the fact that it is not that bad may actually be a problem – a trap to keep me there because it’s not quite bad enough to motivate me to move. Monday, I was able to break up my regular work with my first of nine lectures to third year students on the psychology of happiness and wellbeing. I left the hour-long lecture feeling ebullient, and began thinking that perhaps the academic life is where I should be. My roller-coaster of career strivings has created unexpected and random thoughts that continually plague me. I also had an article about my research published on the Psychology Today website which was a thrill. It’s the biggest Psychology website in the world, so it was nice to get a Guernsey and further consolidated my feeling that the academic life could be for me. Nothing can draw me in like success and feeling good. It also added to the questions I had about my previous decisions.

Monday night we took our Family Home Evening to the home of an elderly couple in our ward. We visited, left some treats behind, and the children sang them some songs. As we left, Brother E. shook our hands and with tears in his eyes told us that “in forty years in the Church, this was the nicest, most heart-felt, kindest visit he has ever had.” We felt grateful to make a difference in their life.

After Family Home Evening Kylie and I had more long conversations about my future, based on my positive lecture experience. A conversation with mum had frustrated me and confused me even more. Mum is adamant I should leave academia. I understand her motives and logic, and have leant in that direction all along. However, being so emphatically told what I should do left me feeling forced into a decision, and made me want to push against it. I shared my frustration with Kylie. We talked about my love of lecturing, my natural curiosity and interest in research, my dislike of all other aspects of academic life, and my alternatives. We spoke of mum’s overt and explicit interest in helping me be happy by going in the direction she feels I would benefit most by taking, and my desire to make my decision independently, but with Heaven’s help. Kylie was amazing. After expressing faith in the way we have previously received Heaven’s direction, Kylie confidently assured me that it will continue. We know we will be guided and blessed. We can look forward to the future with hope. I have a wife who leaves me awestruck with her capacity and wisdom.

Tuesday evening we had the missionaries in our home to teach discussions to a recent Chinese Church convert. He is very poor and doesn’t seem to eat during the rest of the week, but boy does he make up for it when he visits our home. I think he ate 8 or 9 chicken drumsticks and two large plates of fried rice. Fortunately we were prepared. It was a nice night, but my exhaustion got the better of me and I fell asleep in the armchair nursing a tired Annie while the missionaries taught.

Wednesday, (my day off) saw me writing and working early. I took a break in the middle of the day to pull my bike apart, clean it and re-grease it (because of all the rain recently). Then I went back to uni and lectured again. This time is was on theories of happiness. I came out of the lecture on a bigger high than I had been on after my first one. I LOVE lecturing this subject.

Thursday was relatively quiet. A long, steady day at work that left me feeling terribly unfulfilled and disappointed. Too many biscuits that gave me a dissatisfying sugar rush. And a church meeting in the evening that ran far too late and accomplished far too little. We spent more time talking about whether women should be allowed to wear slacks in the chapel than we spent talking about how to help people who are struggling in faith or in other ways.

Friday I had the hardest ride under 100kms I’ve possibly ever had. Up at 3.30am and on the bike by 4am, I set over 20 personal best times at different segments of the ride and feel as though I’m getting stronger and stronger. I raced into work, had meetings, then caught the train to Sydney for a World Congress of Families meeting. I left the meeting early so I could visit with Nanna Bunt for her 83^rd birthday. I wished I could have been there longer, but Kylie and I were scheduled to visit the temple too, since it’s so close and we’re rarely up that way. So after a visit that had barely begun we had to fight the traffic to get to Carlingford. It was beautiful to be in the temple, although I struggled to stay away, given the enormous day I’d had. We were grateful to mum for taking care of the children so we could be in the temple. We snuck in a tasty pizza for dinner, and enjoyed five minutes with Dad as well.

Saturday Kylie and I worked hard getting the house in order after a huge week. Cars cleaned inside and out, polished, and so on. Two bikes cleaned and regreased. Lawns mowed. The garage rearranged as well, so now we can fit both our cars in it. That is exciting. And Kylie and I watched True Grit once the kids were in bed. It was ok. I give it 2.5 stars.

Sunday began with perfect clear skies, happy and clean children, and barely anything on the agenda. Sacrament meeting was uplifting – families was the topic. We sang a family musical item. Our priesthood class was average. I had not prepared enough. However there was a feeling of unity and togetherness that we have rarely felt previously. I left the room feeling better for having been there. A quick visit to a family I home teach stretched into an enjoyable hour-long conversation. A quiet afternoon with the family enjoying one another. It was a wonderful day.

I have to quickly mention how well the children are doing. Chanel is flourishing at High School. She recently got 59/60 on a French test, and is doing really well in her other subjects. We are delighted to see the remarkable young lady she is growing into. She is even getting a few babysitting jobs now.

Abbie was elected as the Student Representative Councillor for Grade 4 at school this week. Her peers expressed confidence in her. Abbie is conscientious, and a quiet achiever with the most delightful laugh I have ever heard.

Ella is delightful with her sisters and engaged in her Grade 2 classroom. We love her to bits. I am regularly told by friends that Ella is their favourite in spite of her outbursts and emotional regulation challenges. She is possibly our most tender and soft-hearted daughter. Her intellect is dizzying but often hidden by her lack of inhibition.

Annie is simply awesome. She is delightful in every way. She is considerate, soft, and loves hugs. Her enthusiasm is contagious, and she has the cutest little lisp ever. And Lilli is possibly the most gorgeous baby we have ever had. We love Lilli beyond words.

Now a new week is about to start. I’ll hopefully visit with Nan and Pop, make another family’s Monday night, finish editing my book for once and for all, spend some time creating a product for my business, write an Op-Ed piece for the Sydney Morning Herald, and who knows what else.

Patience - the antidote to the quick fix mentality

This week has been one of blessings and insight, and some tidying up of loose ends. Monday I walked outside to our pool and saw that it was clear and clean for the first time in a year. We’ve paid someone to maintain the pool for us and they clearly know more about things than I do. The weather may have been cold and wet, but our pool is clean and we’ve given it a workout this week. Now that I’m not maintaining it, the pool has become a joy again. Monday evening we talked about Jesus’ question, “Which is harder, to say rise up and walk, or to forgive sins” (that’s paraphrased). I got a lot out of it, although I’m not sure the children did.

On Sunday last week I had a small confrontation with one of the men at church that I have felt longstanding enmity toward – enmity that has been reciprocal for close to four years. In our lesson last week he was troublesome again, and brought conflict into the class. I felt uncomfortable in my response, and in the way the class went. I prayed about it for two days, and after counselling with a trusted friend, decided that I would visit him at his home. Tuesday night after work I took some of Kylie’s home-made “melting moment” cookies and drove the 30 minutes to his home. I knocked on the door and he called to me from the bathroom, telling me to go away and he wasn’t interested in buying anything. I responded by introducing myself. He was bathing. I returned 15 minutes later.

He was surprised to see me and wanted to know why I was visiting. I quietly and kindly explained that I felt awful about our conflict, not just from Sunday but our ongoing relationship. I confirmed that I had no agenda except that I hoped that we might determine a way forward. I met his attempts to dredge up past hurts with patience, and then acknowledged that we had both made mistakes and reiterated my focus on moving forward positively and united. Two hours later I left his home lighter. I felt grateful for answers to prayer and inspired friends. I was also grateful for an understanding wife.

Wednesday I was up at 5am, talking on the phone to my mentor and friend, Wally Goddard, in Little Rock, Arkansas. He is struggling with medical issues and we have been concerned for him. In spite of the discomfort and lack of certainty he faces, he had me laughing in seconds (despite the early hour). I appreciate his example of faith, kindness, and humour. We discussed the decisions I am making about my future. It was a highlight of my week. In the past two weeks I have spoken with two trusted friends about these career decisions. Both have counselled the same thing. As they have done so I have felt my whole soul saying an emphatic “no” to their wisdom. I find this confusing because I value their input and don’t know that I trust the feelings I’m having. I need to pray more.

After my phone call to Wally, I was on the train to Sydney for the two hour commute in order to attend meetings for the World Congress of Families. This volunteer role is taking a lot out of me. I finished the Biography of Thomas S. Monson. I really enjoyed it, found it faith promoting, and moderately insightful – far better than the Hinckley biography. It contained too many ‘motherhood’ type statements and I felt it patronised the reader at times. I would also have liked more detail in understanding President Monson’s thoughts and opinions on various issues. The sanitised account fails to clearly articulate who he really is aside inside his head and what he really thinks about some things. However, these are minor quibbles and I would give the book 4 out of 5. I loved it. I wish I could say the same for the new Gottman book, the science of trust. I’m now 100 pages into it and am struggling. 70 pages on game theory is hurting my head – and my motivation to continue.

Thursday I received exciting news from my publisher. My book, “What your Child needs from you”, has a release date of August 1. Fine editing begins in the coming week, and by the end of the month I suspect we will be finished that process. Additionally, they discovered Tim’s photography blog and fell in love with it. They would like one of Tim’s photos to be the cover of the book. I’m excited to be able to share this work with Tim. He captures families beautifully, and I think his photography will only add to the quality and marketability of the book.

I have been writing regular “ask the expert” spots for kidspot.com.au. It’s a popular parenting website (over 1 million hits p/month). As I wrote my piece for them this week I realised that it shared parallels with my own life. Parents are consistently looking for an easy answer, a quick-fix, to help them deal with a challenge or issue. No one wants to be told, “it is normal to struggle with this. Keep it up. Be patient and persistent. In time it will slowly be overcome.” Instead we want immediate answers, dramatic results, and instant change. 

But as I have contemplated parenting, and the answers I seek in my own life generally, I have recognised that there are very few ‘instant’ solutions to our difficulties. They require determination, a vision, and a willingness to faithfully and persistently chip away at something very large. I think I will focus on patience more in my responses to people who want me to give them answers. And I think I will stop looking for quick-fixes in my own life.

Friday night Kylie had a night out with her girlfriends. She watched “the help” and enjoyed it. I stayed home, put the children to bed, and watched Mission Impossible 3. I enjoyed that! Saturday Chanel had her first babysitting job – for our neighbours across the street. She relished the responsibility and the remuneration. We played quietly with the children (until I started wrestling with them), did some odd jobs, and discovered that filling up the Prado is an exercise in faith. That is one big fuel tank! We also took Abbie on a special date with just her mum and dad, played putt-putt golf, and talked to her about questions she’s been asking lately regarding inappropriate content of movies. Abbie listened carefully, asked some good questions, and took all of the ensuing information in her stride. We are amazed at this wonderful girl.

Sunday began with great hope. Testimony meeting was scheduled first. It was a good one. I love it when that meetings goes well. In priesthood I taught about bringing Christ into our relationships in priesthood class. I had wanted to teach an amazing lesson. I didn’t feel amazed by it. But it was ok. I spent the afternoon home teaching. Some inspiring visits and blessings given. Then Kylie took four young women to Campbelltown for choir practice. That’s a long way to go for choir practice.

Now we’re both reflecting on our day and feeling grateful. Our lives are blessed.

Cleanliness is ... worth it.

The past week has been relatively uneventful. I would once have been slightly annoyed by a week where little happened. Nowadays I’m grateful for the reduced requirements. It has meant I have been able to focus more on the myriad things I have already got to do.

Getting Started Again

For the past year, rather than writing these family updates, I have been writing a series of memories of growing up with Mum and Dad on my Sunday afternoons. Now that my year of memories is up, and after a far-too-lengthy break from writing regular updates, I am hoping to resume my regular habit of weekly entries. In addition to recording noteworthy events, I hope to focus my writing less about the day-to-day ‘things I did’ and emphasise what I have learned and what I am grateful for in my notes. I suppose the first thing I should note, though, is that my Ph. D. is finished. I received a high commendation from one of my examiners, and the total time required for making what few changes were suggested was less than half a day.

Ph D submitted

Life is busy isn’t it? So I should probably stop starting every entry with “Gee it’s been busy lately”. But it really has been busy.

When I last wrote, Kylie had just returned from a week in Brisbane with her dad. I’m pleased to report that he is improving daily. The improvements are slow, but they’re in the right direction. We are grateful that he has been so blessed.

For five days after Kylie returned, our routine was fairly normal. Too much to do, challenges with children, not enough sleep, and so on. But on Friday the 12th of
August, something pretty cool happened:

Heart Failure

On Monday of the week just gone (August 1st), Kylie’s Dad had a massive heart attack, went into cardiac arrest, and died. He was at work. Details of exactly what happened are sketchy at present, but it seems that other employees saw it happen, administered cardio-pulmonary resuscitation, and prayed while they awaited the paramedic’s arrival. The paramedics used a defibrillator to revive Les some ten minutes after his initial attack. Doctors induced a coma when he arrived at the hospital, inserted a stent to reopen his closed artery, and he has spent the past week in hospital trying to recover.

Submitting a Dissertation

Finding time to write has been increasingly challenging over the past few weeks. It has been close to six weeks since I wrote an update.

Just over a month ago (June 20th) I completed the first draft of my Ph. D. dissertation. We packed up the family and drove to a farm near Beaudesert in QLD. Our five days north of the border went way too fast. Kylie shared a very special birthday gift with her Dad for his 60th (along the same lines as the treasure hunt we did for my mum). It was simply superb. The children loved being with their QLD cousins and their Nan and Pop. And the farm was lovely too.