Getting it right

In the past week or two we have moved Lilli out of her cot and into a big bed. Our two year-old has made the cot that has served five daughters redundant. Despite finding her sleeping UNDER the bed one night, and finding her sleeping in the closet another night, Lilli seems to have made the transition to the big bed quite well.

The change has required some bedroom reorganisation. Chanel finally has her own room and is really appreciating her own personal space. Abbie and Ella share in the bunk beds. Lilli and Annie are sharing their room. It seems to working quite well.

Monday I had an appointment with the doctor. I was experiencing my 8^th consecutive day of the same headache. I had blood tests and scans but nothing was found to be wrong. My boss suggested that I take a few days off and rest. I embraced the idea – except for the ‘rest’ part. I organised for a massage (painful and no fun, but necessary), and then spent a couple of days marking exams, marking papers, and catching up on work around the house. Plus I spent a little time on Happy Families things as well.

Wednesday was ANZAC day. Kylie went to the dawn service while I “watched” the kids. They’re pretty easy to watch at 4.30am. Fortunately my snoring didn’t wake them up. We enjoyed a morning in the park with friends, ate lunch together, and then I took some time out to visit Nan and Pop Bunt in Auburn. We had a fun time. I took on Nan in a crossword challenge. Despite the fact that I was holding the paper – and the clues, letters, and pen – Nan was exceptional. She knew words I’d never heard of, and answered the crossword clues before I could even get all the information out. Then I showed her how to play Sudoku. That was great fun, and Nan seemed energised by the challenge. I visited the temple after my visit to Nan, making the day feel entirely worthwhile and fulfilling. We packed a lot of good quality activities into a short time.

I also received some feedback on my book from Wally Goddard. The man has been someone I look up to for over a decade now. After reading the book he wrote the following as a recommendation: “This wise, insightful, and engaging book is one of the best parenting books I have ever read! I recommend it to you wholeheartedly.” All of these remarkable people writing such kind things about my work is humbling. I find myself wondering if they really read it! I hope the mums and dads who read it feel the same way.

I feel as though we are starting to work out the best way to make weekends work. Saturday was a dream. Kylie and I rode 45kms while the children woke up and organised themselves. I took Annie to the park for two hours and began her bike riding lessons. She did well for a 4 year-old who hasn’t ridden before. I took the training wheels off and ran alongside her. My back ached by the end (from running so far while bending over and supporting her) but she made some exciting progress. We took the family, and Benson, to the beach for a swim at lunch. The water is still delightful despite being a month away from winter. Then Kylie went to Campbelltown for a church activity and I watched the new Tin Tin movie with the kids. We loved it. Non-stop action, funny, and very well made. Kylie arrived home late to find a vase full of lilies, some ginger kisses, and the new Mission Impossible movie set up and ready to go. Great movie. Late night. Paying for it today.

Sunday was quiet. Church was uneventful. I delegated my teaching to an assistant and simply enjoyed being there today. Tonight Kylie and Chanel are back in Campbelltown for a youth activity, the children are well fed, and life is peaceful... until it all starts again in the morning.

Sunday Roast

This week began with an unexpected flurry. Kylie received a call from her family in Brisbane and decided that she missed her folks and her sisters. We had been discussing the idea of Kylie taking our children up to QLD to be with them during the school holidays but had dismissed the idea as too hard. The phone call must have touched Kylie’s “missing my parents” bone, and she unexpectedly reversed our previous decision, telling me that she wanted to be with them. We packed the car, prayed for safety, and said goodbye. Kylie arrived in Brisbane around 13 hours later, at 10pm Monday night – with all the kids still alive, phew.

As we packed the car I had a funny incident with Ella. She was looking for something that was important and was upset, claiming it was lost. Annoyed, I responded by asking, “Well Ella, where do you think you probably left it?” Without missing a beat Ella gently reprimanded me. “Dad, if I knew where I left it I wouldn’t be looking for it because it wouldn’t be lost.” Part of me wanted to let her know I don’t like to be talked to like that. But the better part of me won out and I thanked her for her clarity and logic. We hugged and continued searching.

While Kylie spent valuable time with family in Brisbane I worked. My workload has been enormous. Teaching, lecturing, researching, marking, writing, reviewing, and who knows what else? Monday night I visited Tim and Kesh in Gerringong and ate pasta – really good pasta. And ice-cream – really really good ice-cream. I had the most fun I’ve had with my little brother in a long time.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were long, tedious days at the office. They were tinged with a few small highlights though. The best one of all was that I received a hard copy of the book I’ve written. I now need to review it to see if there are any further revisions required. This is my last chance to make any changes, and then it gets printed. I also received three cover ‘roughs’ to determine what the book will actually look like. It’s really starting to happen now. The momentum is building and so is my anticipation.

In addition, several people have read the draft of the book and sent through some very positive endorsements. They include this from Professor Todd Kashdan, author of several books including “Curious”:

"One of the most thoughtful, intelligent discussions of parenting. I found myself nodding my head in agreement, talking to friends and family about passages, and immediately applying techniques. A fantastic resource for the most difficult and meaningful part of our lives."

And this from Professor Tim Sharp – Australia’s “Dr Happy”:

"This is an important book on arguably the most important topic of all. Justin does a fantastic job of distilling the latest parenting research into readable and practical words of advice mums and dads so desperately want and need." 

I’m feeling pretty pleased about things, and increasingly grateful for the blessing to have the book written. I still reflect on the incredible feelings of gratitude I had when I received the phone call to say I was getting a book deal. I feel so blessed.

Friday night the hours could not go fast enough. Kylie was driving home again. I love reunions.

Saturday was superb. Kylie did craft, sewing gifts for Kesh’s baby shower which was scheduled for the afternoon. Her creativity and the quality of her work is amazing. I took the five children to the beach with the dog for a little over two hours. They swam, ran, built sandcastles, and complained when it was time to leave. We drove to Kesh’s parent’s place, arriving an hour late for the baby shower. But it was good to be there.

Sunday we attended Stake Conference in Campbelltown. A new Stake President was called, which only happens once every ten years or so, and there must have been over 1000 people in attendance... maybe more. Some inspiring talks were given and it felt good to be there. I left feeling better than I felt when I arrived.

During our Sunday roast the children started parroting their favourite movie lines. As I watched the children I had a wonderful feeling of satisfaction. They are growing up feeling secure, happy, and confident. They know how to laugh and enjoy themselves. They have sharp minds. They are a delight to watch and listen to. The chicken, potatoes, and vegetables were as good as a meal can be. But they were nothing compared to the feast of gratitude I gobbled down as I watched my family – growing up in front of my eyes – enjoying one another’s company around our dinner table on an otherwise ordinary Sunday night.

Breakfast in bed

A week sometimes feels like nothing more than a brief moment. Monday’s Easter Monday public holiday may have contributed. Coming home from camping was refreshing. My mattress and four solid walls filled me with gratitude, especially after such awful wind while camping the weekend before. Tuesday I arrived at work with an empty in-basket. I spent the day working on Happy Families projects and was enlivened by it. Progress feels so good, particularly when it’s progress on something that matters so much to me.

Wednesday I got my second day in a row to focus on Happy Families. The momentum felt amazing. I cut it short during the afternoon to drive to Auburn and visit Nan and Pop Bunt. I had nearly an hour with them. It was terrific time. We laughed a lot. I heard some stories about Pop’s fertile veggie patch and his understanding of civil law that I hadn’t previously heard. And I picked up a jar of Pop’s terrific relish. Looking forward to pasting it on my corned beef sandwiches this week. After visiting with Nan and Pop I squeezed in a sealing session at the temple before sharing dinner with Kylie and the kids at a nice place to eat. By then it was late, and the children slept well all the way home.

Thursday and Friday were difficult. I am feeling increasingly anxious to maintain momentum and build Happy Families. I am feeling a corresponding frustration with my ‘job’ that is taking me away from what I feel my ‘calling’ is. So Thursday and Friday I tried to concentrate at work and spent far too long thinking about how much I have to do to generate an income with Happy Families. Part of me wishes I could be satisfied with what I have. While I’m grateful for the blessing of having the work, dissatisfaction with the content of the job is combining with the powerful drive I have for another pursuit (Happy Families).

Friday morning I was also told that the job I have, which finishes in July, will not be renewed. It seems that I am doing more work than my supervisors have the capacity to manage. So I do work and wait while they ‘get to it’, before I can progress. This is obviously inefficient and they know it. To better utilise their financial resources the position will become casual post-July. I think this is good as it means I have to be working on Happy Families mostly full time by then. However, I am partially afraid it is bad for the same reason. The pressure is building.

The Saturday morning routine continued: wash cars, mow lawns, try and restore order to the house. It's harder than normal while the children are on holidays. Kylie was in Sydney from lunch time helping a friend. I looked after the kids and the house. It’s a big job. I don’t know how Kylie does it. I was responsible for cooking dinner. My miserable attempt at devilled chicken wings was appreciated by Abbie who claimed that I shouldn’t “tell mum, but I think it’s better than hers.” I was flattered, and hopeful, but then I bit into it and cringed. My paltry attempts at cooking were embarrassing. I think Abbie was trying to make me feel good.

Sunday I made Kylie breakfast in bed. Gippsland Yogurt, some terrific muesli, a new and amazing fruit juice, and fresh fruit. Yum. Kylie took most of the kids to General Conference. I stayed home with Annie and Lilli. I watched talks online while the little ones played. Some powerful messages inspired me to be better. I hope I can live up to what I know. It was hard to listen though. Lilli is potty training and I think I was called to the potty no less than a dozen times during the conference sessions. Somehow some of the messages still got through though.

We spent the afternoon with neighbours at a small birthday party. Kylie took Chanel and the Young Women from Church to Sydney for an activity. I took the four girls and Benson to the park with the neighbours and their kids. Relaxing, quiet, enjoyable. I’d like more days like today – only with Kylie.

Not-so-happy Campers

The past several weeks have been full of adventures. On the work front there is little to report and nothing of import. I’m grateful for a job that is providing the necessities of life for our family. It’s only just enough, but the fact is, it is enough. The job feels just that though – a job. It’s filling a need, but I look forward to the day I rely on it less, or not at all. My vision of where I want to be is strengthening, and I sense unseen hands pushing me towards it... and it's not at the University.

A week where nothing happened?

For the first time in a very long time, I have little to say about the week. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were all pretty standard. I worked, gave some lectures (one each day), and did little else. Rather dull really.


Thursday I decided to do something a little adventurous. My website (happyfamilies) is looking really ordinary. Once upon a time I quite liked it, but it has become more disappointing over time and is in terrible need of an update, particularly if I want it to be a useful sales tool as I try to develop my business. I have no money to cover the costs of a website. A flash of inspiration reminded me of a lesson I learned many years ago. I had just accepted a job in Rockhampton when I got a call from Canberra. A job was available for me there. When the man who had called me found out that I'd just said 'yes' to a job in Rockhampton and learned about the job, he knew I'd be unlikely to go to Canberra. But he still asked me. He decided it was my decision to make, not his.

I decided to apply the same principle with my website. Recently Timmy (my little brother) has written to a clothing company and asked for maternity clothing for his wife with a promise that he'd blog about it and photograph her each week in return. They've received boxes of clothing. We have been amazed by it - and I got a little inspired. I wrote to a fellow I've met once through a mutual friend. He is a web designer. And explained my situation. Then I asked him if he would be willing to do some work on my site for free. I said a silent prayer, pressed send, and waited. Within 30 minutes he had replied and indicated a willingness to help. At no cost. Wow! He's not making big promises, nor is he completely overhauling the site. But he's willing to make it better than it is. I felt deeply blessed.

Thursday I also got a call from an educational organisation looking for someone to run parenting workshops in their 30-ish primary and high schools in our area. They've asked for a proposal, and indicated that they've heard good things about me. Again, feeling remarkably blessed. The proposal is written, and now I'm working towards winning some work. Momentum is building for my slowly developing business. I have three months left to turn it into an income-producing asset. Lots to do.

Thursday night Kylie had a night out at church (enrichment). The highlight of the night was a song called "the highlight of the month", and I've posted the video for it in the post below.

Kylie has decided that at the end of the year she wants to ride from Sydney - Wollongong. It's around 85kms and is a reasonably challenging course. In order to do that, I've told her she needs to start preparing now. So early Saturday morning we snuck out of the house while it was still dark and I took her for a ride. It was raining, cold, and dark. Kylie was unperturbed. Kylie has not really ridden a road bike before. We rode 46kms around Lake Illawarra in almost exactly 2 hours. Kylie was exceptional. Her legs were red as her muscles cried out for more oxygen. And Kylie even rode up the steep and nasty hills around our house to get home at the end of the ride. It was great. We'll be spending many more Saturday mornings building Kylie's capacity.

Sunday was a quiet day. Church in the morning was nice. I've subscribed to a publication I've just learned about called the 'Religious Educator'. It's the most inspiring content I've read in ages. I am hooked. So when my meetings became less interesting I turned to the journal and began reading. Inspiring. Lunch meant pancakes. That was followed by a very quiet afternoon with the kids and Kylie doing craft and me tidying up a little, and reading some more. And then two roast chickens for dinner. Unbeatable.

It felt like a week where nothing happened. But on reflection there were a few things that I can be deeply grateful for. And there is still so much going on.

Kylie's backup vocals

This week just gone Kylie held her enrichment evening for the women at church. As part of the night she had asked a talented woman, Imogen Stewart, to write a song for everyone about visiting teaching - the program established to encourage the women in our church to visit with, help, and befriend one another.

Imogen is playing the keyboard, Kylie is holding the music. Hope you like it.

The Best Night in Forty Years

My week started as drearily as most weeks nowadays. I find my work ‘not that bad’ but not that good either. I think the fact that it is not that bad may actually be a problem – a trap to keep me there because it’s not quite bad enough to motivate me to move. Monday, I was able to break up my regular work with my first of nine lectures to third year students on the psychology of happiness and wellbeing. I left the hour-long lecture feeling ebullient, and began thinking that perhaps the academic life is where I should be. My roller-coaster of career strivings has created unexpected and random thoughts that continually plague me. I also had an article about my research published on the Psychology Today website which was a thrill. It’s the biggest Psychology website in the world, so it was nice to get a Guernsey and further consolidated my feeling that the academic life could be for me. Nothing can draw me in like success and feeling good. It also added to the questions I had about my previous decisions.

Monday night we took our Family Home Evening to the home of an elderly couple in our ward. We visited, left some treats behind, and the children sang them some songs. As we left, Brother E. shook our hands and with tears in his eyes told us that “in forty years in the Church, this was the nicest, most heart-felt, kindest visit he has ever had.” We felt grateful to make a difference in their life.

After Family Home Evening Kylie and I had more long conversations about my future, based on my positive lecture experience. A conversation with mum had frustrated me and confused me even more. Mum is adamant I should leave academia. I understand her motives and logic, and have leant in that direction all along. However, being so emphatically told what I should do left me feeling forced into a decision, and made me want to push against it. I shared my frustration with Kylie. We talked about my love of lecturing, my natural curiosity and interest in research, my dislike of all other aspects of academic life, and my alternatives. We spoke of mum’s overt and explicit interest in helping me be happy by going in the direction she feels I would benefit most by taking, and my desire to make my decision independently, but with Heaven’s help. Kylie was amazing. After expressing faith in the way we have previously received Heaven’s direction, Kylie confidently assured me that it will continue. We know we will be guided and blessed. We can look forward to the future with hope. I have a wife who leaves me awestruck with her capacity and wisdom.

Tuesday evening we had the missionaries in our home to teach discussions to a recent Chinese Church convert. He is very poor and doesn’t seem to eat during the rest of the week, but boy does he make up for it when he visits our home. I think he ate 8 or 9 chicken drumsticks and two large plates of fried rice. Fortunately we were prepared. It was a nice night, but my exhaustion got the better of me and I fell asleep in the armchair nursing a tired Annie while the missionaries taught.

Wednesday, (my day off) saw me writing and working early. I took a break in the middle of the day to pull my bike apart, clean it and re-grease it (because of all the rain recently). Then I went back to uni and lectured again. This time is was on theories of happiness. I came out of the lecture on a bigger high than I had been on after my first one. I LOVE lecturing this subject.

Thursday was relatively quiet. A long, steady day at work that left me feeling terribly unfulfilled and disappointed. Too many biscuits that gave me a dissatisfying sugar rush. And a church meeting in the evening that ran far too late and accomplished far too little. We spent more time talking about whether women should be allowed to wear slacks in the chapel than we spent talking about how to help people who are struggling in faith or in other ways.

Friday I had the hardest ride under 100kms I’ve possibly ever had. Up at 3.30am and on the bike by 4am, I set over 20 personal best times at different segments of the ride and feel as though I’m getting stronger and stronger. I raced into work, had meetings, then caught the train to Sydney for a World Congress of Families meeting. I left the meeting early so I could visit with Nanna Bunt for her 83^rd birthday. I wished I could have been there longer, but Kylie and I were scheduled to visit the temple too, since it’s so close and we’re rarely up that way. So after a visit that had barely begun we had to fight the traffic to get to Carlingford. It was beautiful to be in the temple, although I struggled to stay away, given the enormous day I’d had. We were grateful to mum for taking care of the children so we could be in the temple. We snuck in a tasty pizza for dinner, and enjoyed five minutes with Dad as well.

Saturday Kylie and I worked hard getting the house in order after a huge week. Cars cleaned inside and out, polished, and so on. Two bikes cleaned and regreased. Lawns mowed. The garage rearranged as well, so now we can fit both our cars in it. That is exciting. And Kylie and I watched True Grit once the kids were in bed. It was ok. I give it 2.5 stars.

Sunday began with perfect clear skies, happy and clean children, and barely anything on the agenda. Sacrament meeting was uplifting – families was the topic. We sang a family musical item. Our priesthood class was average. I had not prepared enough. However there was a feeling of unity and togetherness that we have rarely felt previously. I left the room feeling better for having been there. A quick visit to a family I home teach stretched into an enjoyable hour-long conversation. A quiet afternoon with the family enjoying one another. It was a wonderful day.

I have to quickly mention how well the children are doing. Chanel is flourishing at High School. She recently got 59/60 on a French test, and is doing really well in her other subjects. We are delighted to see the remarkable young lady she is growing into. She is even getting a few babysitting jobs now.

Abbie was elected as the Student Representative Councillor for Grade 4 at school this week. Her peers expressed confidence in her. Abbie is conscientious, and a quiet achiever with the most delightful laugh I have ever heard.

Ella is delightful with her sisters and engaged in her Grade 2 classroom. We love her to bits. I am regularly told by friends that Ella is their favourite in spite of her outbursts and emotional regulation challenges. She is possibly our most tender and soft-hearted daughter. Her intellect is dizzying but often hidden by her lack of inhibition.

Annie is simply awesome. She is delightful in every way. She is considerate, soft, and loves hugs. Her enthusiasm is contagious, and she has the cutest little lisp ever. And Lilli is possibly the most gorgeous baby we have ever had. We love Lilli beyond words.

Now a new week is about to start. I’ll hopefully visit with Nan and Pop, make another family’s Monday night, finish editing my book for once and for all, spend some time creating a product for my business, write an Op-Ed piece for the Sydney Morning Herald, and who knows what else.